


To Return

by Rochelle_Templer



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Mentions of Psychological Trauma, Supernatural Elements, angst with a side of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13744578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rochelle_Templer/pseuds/Rochelle_Templer
Summary: The Doctor and Jamie discover that there are some things that are not easily left behind....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the Short Trips story "That Which Went Away" from the Big Finish anthology "Seven Deadly Sins". It takes place immediately after that story and thus, has spoilers for it.
> 
> However, while reading that story first will give some additional background into this fic, it's not essential at all to read it in order to read this fic.

As much as he wished that he could deny it, the Doctor had to admit that there was something wrong with Jamie McCrimmon.

He had known that the piper had been deeply affected by what had happened to him in that village in Scandinavia in Earth’s distant past. After being attacked and gravely injured, Jamie had been healed by a mystic from a barbarian tribe and had ingratiated himself with their leader, Bior and his fellow warriors.

However, that rescue and the friendships Jamie had formed had come at a high cost. The warriors of the village had discovered the secrets of transmutation and were using that power to change themselves in fierce bears in order to better fight their enemies. Bior had tried to draw Jamie into their fold and had almost succeeded. Fortunately, Jamie had found the strength to resist being dragged into the bestial darkness that the others had nearly succumbed to and chose to remain a member of the TARDIS crew rather than make a permanent home among the men he had formed camaraderie with.  

The Doctor sighed. He wasn’t surprised that Jamie found it so easy to relate to the fighting men who lived there. Despite his current life as a wanderer in time and space, Jamie was still a Highlander, raised for a life on the battlefield. It had been an aspect of Jamie’s character that the Doctor had sometimes neglected to acknowledge, much to his chagrin. Instead, he had been focused on the piper’s love of music which was steeped in the lore and traditions of his culture and that had given the Scot a good deal of mental flexibility, agility and curiosity. Thus, it was easy for the Doctor to occasionally forget about the fighting spirit that dwelled within Jamie outside those times when the three of them faced some physical threat.   

Looking back on it now, though, the Doctor wondered if this temptation for Jamie to leave had been inevitable.

The Doctor let out another sigh and walked over to study the dials nearest to the scanner screen. He had known that Jamie had regretted having to say goodbye to Victoria and still occasionally wondered if he should have encouraged the piper to stay with her. It hadn’t escaped the Doctor’s notice that, while she was from a different time and was more educated, it was easy for Jamie to relate to Victoria. Granted, he had also gotten along well with Polly and Ben, but Jamie was attracted to her in a more romantic sense as well.

Things only grew more complicated for the piper once Zoe joined them in their travels. True, Jamie was clearly fond of her and would do his best to protect her, but it was impossible to ignore the fact that Zoe’s ways of thinking and personality were much more compatible with the Doctor than with him. The Doctor enjoyed her company immensely, but sometimes worried that the situation was a bit pricklier between his young companions. Seeing the comfortable ease with which Jamie fell in with the men of the village made the Doctor wonder if the Scot felt disconnected and isolated on the TARDIS now.

The Doctor stopped fiddling with the controls and bowed his head. Ever since Barbara and Ian returned to their own time and place, the Doctor had tried to accept his companions leaving him with as much grace as he could. There were times when the parting hurt more than words could fully describe, but the Doctor had made a firm effort to steel his hearts against the bitterness and loneliness that would always follow. He made sure to remind himself over and over again that their happiness and wellbeing should always take precedence over his desire to not be alone.

Still, that had not stopped a part of him from believing that things would be different with Jamie. Unlike many of his previous companions, the piper showed no real desire to be returned to his own time or to even stay on Earth if it meant leaving the TARDIS for good. Not even the prospect of never seeing Victoria again had been enough to induce him to leave. Plus, the two of them had formed a friendship that was even deeper than what the Doctor had experienced with his previous human companions. As a result, the Doctor had simply assumed that Jamie would choose to stay with him for as long as he could.

However, when Jamie demanded to stay for a while longer in the village, the Doctor had this implicit belief challenged in a very real and visceral way. He had suddenly realized how much he had depended on Jamie always being alongside him, and it had shaken and saddened him to the core.

Even worse, he now suspected that the piper had not really wanted to leave the village after all. It was then that the Doctor had to face the horrible truth that he had purposely tried to force Jamie to change his mind by threatening to leave him behind without any say in the matter. Guilt over his actions crested inside him as he wrung his hands.

‘ _He had told Polly that he would look after me when she left…and I certainly made sure that he could not forget it,’_ he thought mournfully. ‘ _I used our friendship as leverage to persuade him to stay with me.’_

_‘Is this what I’ve become? Someone who is so selfish, so clingy that no method is off limits to ensure my own happiness?’_

The Doctor’s shoulders slumped down. When they left the village, he had hoped that Jamie would shake off the regret he had felt over the tragedies that had befallen some of his new friends and over his own departure from them. The Doctor had tried to tell himself that the passage of time and the experience of new adventures would help the Scot move past that sadness and that, eventually, he would realize how transient his desire to stay had been.

Unfortunately, Jamie’s mood continued to deteriorate rather than improve. It showed with every meal that was picked at and had remained mostly untouched. It was clear with the hours spent alone in his room, practicing on his pipes. It was apparent with long stretches of glowering silence whenever the three of them were together. 

Last night had finally brought all of this tension to a head. The Doctor, Zoe and Jamie were sharing a light meal of soup and sandwiches during which, the Doctor had noticed that Jamie was more engaged with stirring his soup than actually eating it. He had studied the piper’s countenance carefully and had found dark circles under the eyes and lines of weariness creasing his face. Whatever turmoil was churning inside him had robbed Jamie of his sleep. Concerned, the Doctor had tried to broach the subject as lightly as he could. He had expected some resistance on Jamie’s part. What he had not expected was for the piper to abruptly shove his food aside and storm out of the room without a word spoken. Zoe turned to the Doctor with anxiety shining in her eyes.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with Jamie?” she had asked.

“I don’t know, Zoe. But I intend to find out….”

He had told Zoe that almost three hours ago, but still had not acted. The truth was, he wasn’t entirely sure about what he should say to the young Highlander. Especially when he considered how much he had let his own self-interest cloud his judgment recently.

The Doctor took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. He might not be comfortable with confronting Jamie, but the fact remained that the lives of the humans he traveled with were his responsibility. Even if he could put that aside, the friendship he shared with the piper compelled him to do what he could to alleviate Jamie’s distress.

He walked out of the console room and went straight for Jamie’s room. The Doctor rapped on the door a couple times, but got no answer. Cautiously, he slowly opened the door and found the room empty.

The Doctor placed a finger on his chin. There weren’t that many places that the Scot liked to go to in the TARDIS. Thus, it was a matter of figuring out where Jamie would most likely go given the state he was in. For a moment, the Doctor thought of checking his study, but then it occurred to him that the two of them often used that as a place to discuss things between them.

‘ _Jamie wanted to be left alone,’_ the Doctor mused. ‘ _And it’s obvious that he’s still brooding over what happened in that village….’_

Suddenly, the Doctor smiled and clapped his hands together. Certain that he had deduced where to look; he dashed back into the corridor and headed straight for the garden room.

 The garden room had been Polly’s idea. She had surprised both him and Ben by expressing a love of gardening and had suggested that it would be nice to have a place in the TARDIS where they could enjoy green grass and the sight and smell of pretty flowers. It wasn’t long before the Doctor was infused with a similar enthusiasm and they had constructed a lovely garden that reminded Polly of pictures she had seen of Victorian-era estates.

Continuing to develop under the TARDIS’ care, the garden had expanded and now stepping into the room was like walking into an exotic land out of a fairytale. The Doctor knew that Jamie sometimes liked to go here after extended stays on less hospitable alien worlds and had suspected that the Scot would find the setting far more soothing right now than the sterile environment throughout most of the TARDIS.

Sure enough, almost as soon as he crept into the room, the Doctor spied Jamie sitting on the grass near a small reflecting pool in front of a bed of purple and white flowers. The piper stared down at the water, his eyelids drooping and his posture sagging with exhaustion. At one point, it looked as if Jamie would fall asleep as he was, but then shuddered and shook himself back awake, a grim frown reappearing on his face.

The Doctor’s face fell with a sigh. He hated to see Jamie looking so miserable and hoped that he could find some way to mend things between them. If he couldn’t…then he would have to pray that he would be able to find some place to leave Jamie where he could be happy and at peace.

“Jamie,” he said placidly. Jamie gave a little start and looked over at him with a slight scowl.

“Doctor. What is it? Have we landed again?”

“No, not yet,” the Doctor said, walking over to him. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. You seemed upset during dinner.”

“’Tis nothing,” Jamie said, turning his gaze back toward the water. “I was jes nae that hungry and wanted to grab a wee lie doon before we landed again.”

“And yet, you came here instead of your room,” the Doctor said as he sat down next to him. “I would have thought that your bed would be much more comfortable for sleeping.”

The scowl on the piper’s face deepened as he clenched his hands over the hem of his kilt. The Doctor suspected that Jamie was close to withdrawing again and decided that he would have to be more direct.

“Jamie, I know that something is bothering you and would like to help if I could,” he said.

“I told ye. ‘Tis nothing.”

“I don’t believe you, Jamie. I’m afraid you are not a very good liar.”

The piper glared at him again before looking down at his lap and pulling his legs and arms close to him, retreating away into his own shell.

“Ye would nae understand,” he mumbled.

“Perhaps, but I would like to try,” the Doctor responded, placing a hand on the piper’s shoulder. “Jamie, if this is about what happened in the village….”

The muscles under the Doctor’s hand immediately tensed, giving him all the proof he needed that he was on the right track.

“If this is about that, then I apologize,” the Doctor continued. “I should not have been so overbearing in the matter. I wouldn’t want you to think that you have no say in what happens during our travels together. Your feelings and opinions mean a great deal to me. And if you had wanted to stay….”

Jamie finally looked up at him, his features drawn and tight with layers of tension that were rising to the surface. The Doctor felt a twinge in his hearts over what he was about to say next.

“Jamie, if you had truly wanted to stay,” he said, working around the growing lump in his throat. “I…I should have…oh, Jamie, I am sorry. You were happy there. I could see that, and yet I still forced you to leave. If there was some way I could take you back, I would.”

Jamie’s hands curled into fists. For a moment, the Doctor thought he would run off again, but the piper stayed where he was while staring straight at him with a barely restrained anger.

“That’s what ye wanted, inna it?” Jamie spat. “To leave me there? Ye and Zoe goin’ oof in the TARDIS without me so ye won’ have to put up wit’ a primitive anymore.”

The Doctor blinked in surprise. “What? Jamie, no. That’s not….”

“Then what is it then?” the piper shot back. “I remember what ye said in the village, Doctor. Ye called what me and Bior and those other men did an abomination. That’s what ye said after ye saw us change. Ye saw us as animals. Is that how ye see me, Doctor? As an animal? As a savage who does nae think and who fights out of instinct and thirst for battle?”

“That may have been a poor choice of words, but I still think….”

“Och, I know what ye think,” Jamie retorted. “Ye said it was wrong. That it should ne’er be done. But ye know what, Doctor? I don’ think it was. After I changed, when I was running free through the woods, my body healing and my mind clear…I liked it. I liked how it felt. The smell of the wind, the hum of the blood of every living thing in the forest, the moonlight makin’ everything glow…I could feel all of it. And it felt amazing. How could it be wrong? But maybe I liked it ‘cause I’m tae primitive to know better.”

“Jamie, listen to me,” the Doctor said, grabbing the Scot’s shoulders. “I stand by what I said regarding the dangers of artificial transmutation. You saw for yourself what can happen when darker emotions are allowed to run rampant and the beast takes control. Those men nearly lost everything that made them human. But that does not mean that it was wrong for you to have the thoughts and feelings you did after you changed the first time. I’ve heard similar things from others who have been able to let their minds commune with nature through alternate means. What they described to me was natural and beautiful and I am glad that you got to enjoy such a wonderful experience.”

Jamie’s face finally softened slightly. The Doctor took that as an encouraging sign as he rubbed his thumbs along the Scot’s shoulder blades.

“My main concern was your safety, Jamie,” he continued. “I’m not ashamed to say that I was frightened when I saw you change and when I saw the hold Bior had over your mind...I was afraid that I had lost you.”

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said, flicking his eyes away. “I betrayed ye and Zoe. I, I don’ know why. I jes…I could nae stop myself.”

“It’s all right. You weren’t yourself.”

“’Tis nae all right,” Jamie insisted. “I could have hurt ye. I…I don’ know why I wanted to stay so much. It jes felt right somehow. Like I belonged there. Like they understood me and I them. I dinna feel so out of place.”

“Like you do with us?” the Doctor said sadly. The piper shrugged out of the Doctor’s grip and turned away from him.

“Mebbe,” he mumbled. “Ye and Zoe…. Och Doctor, ‘tis no use tryin’ to deny it. I jes get in yer way most the time. Like during that whole thing when the Ice Warriors were on the moon. Ye said yerself that ye were nae planning on taking me wit’ ye, and we both know why. ‘Cause I dinna know anything aboot travelin’ in rockets and nae much more aboot space stations. I would nae have been any help. Nae like Zoe.”

“Jamie, my not wanting to take you with me and Zoe to the moon had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I thought you could be of any assistance,” the Doctor said.

The stern tone in his voice caused Jamie to turn back toward him. The piper blinked in surprise when he saw the serious, yet troubled look in the Doctor’s eyes.

“Do you think I’ve forgotten what happened the first time I took you to the lunar surface?” the Doctor continued. “You ended up with a concussion and a fever partially because you weren’t familiar with the necessary precautions when wandering around in an area with an atmosphere and gravity unlike Earth’s. Fortunately, I had Ben and Polly to help me take care of you along with an entire medical unit. That wouldn’t have been the case this time, and I, oh, all right I was dreadfully worried about taking you back after what happened before.”

The Doctor let out a long sigh before patting Jamie’s shoulder.

“However, despite my misgivings, I must admit that I was wrong, Jamie,” he said. “You saved my life on at least three separate occasions during that whole affair and were a great help to Zoe and the rest of the people working on the moon and on Earth. Sometimes, well, sometimes, I do wonder what I would do without you, Jamie.”

The Doctor lowered his head, shaking it sadly. Moved with concern, Jamie put a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. The Doctor gave him a sad smile and placed his hand over the piper’s.

“Jamie, I have never thought you to be unintelligent or incapable of learning to handle yourself in the situations we encounter in our wanderings,” he added. “But I would also be lying if I said that I don’t ever worry that your lack of knowledge over some nuance of technology could lead to you getting seriously hurt or worse. If it sometimes seems as if I prefer to have Zoe assist me with something, it’s mainly because she does have the necessary experience to deal with whatever problems might arise. It certainly is not because I don’t value your company or your help.”

The Doctor squeezed Jamie’s hand and moved it so he could grasp it in both of his.

“And, I think I understand why you felt at home with those men from the village,” he said with another wan smile. “You’re not a savage, Jamie. You’re a warrior, a paladin. A man trained to handle the rigors of the battlefield and who is driven to defend those in need of protection. I imagine that you found it refreshing to be able to associate with others who shared your perspective as opposed to always being forced to spend time with foolish old men like me who know nothing of your world.”

Jamie frowned and reached over with his free hand to grasp the Doctor’s forearm.

“Ye’re wrong,” he said. “Ye’re jes as much of a warrior as me. Mebbe more so. Like ye said, I was trained by my father and the members of my clan to fight. But ye, ye grew up learning from books and machines. Ye dinna spend yer whole life learnin’ to do battle. And yet ye still fight all those beasties and evil people. Ye don’ fight wit’ a gun or a sword. Ye fight wit’ yer mind. And I’ve nae met verra many men who’d have the courage to stand up to their enemies wit’ no more than their wits and determination.”

The piper extracted his hand from the Doctor’s grip and placed it back onto the Doctor’s shoulder.

“I ne’er said ye dinna know what it means to do battle,” he said. “I know that ye are nae lacking in bravery and any Highlander would be proud to consider ye his brother-in-arms. I jes, I jes thought…well I thought mebbe ye and Zoe were gettin’ tired of having to explain everything to me and teach me things. I guess I liked being around those men ‘cause I dinna have to worry aboot being lost all the time and could feel like I belonged.”

The Doctor let out another sigh and shook his head again even as his smile grew.

“Jamie, you mustn’t think like that,” he said. “I know for a fact that Zoe doesn’t really mind answering your questions even if she sometimes gets a little fussy about it from time to time. And you should know by now that I am more than happy to help you learn about anything you are interested in. If there is one thing I hope you never forget it’s that you will always belong with me.”

A small smile finally appeared on the piper’s face, and the Doctor responded with one of his own. Then he let out a rueful chuckle which prompted a quizzical look from Jamie.

“Please don’t misunderstand me, Jamie,” the Doctor reassured him. “I was just thinking about how the two of us had been so wrapped up in our differences of late; we lost sight of the things that truly matter. And I’d like to say again how sorry I am, Jamie. I should not have taken advantage of our friendship the way I did and should have been more mindful of your feelings.”

“Aye,” Jamie said sheepishly. “And I should have listened to ye when ye tried to tell me why ye were worried aboot me changing. Ye were right, Doctor. I…I could nae handle it. If ye had nae been there that second time when the beast was dragging me in….”

“It wasn’t just me,” the Doctor gently chided him as he pointed at the piper’s nose. “It was your strength and your heart too that enabled you to rid yourself of its influence. Never lose sight of that.”

Jamie shrugged while the Doctor put his arm around the piper’s shoulders. The Doctor patted the Scot’s back a couple times before letting him go.

“Now then, I think you could do with another meal,” the Doctor said as he rose to his feet. “And some quality rest. How about taking a nap while I whip up….”

Jamie ducked his head back down and shook it vigorously. The Doctor crouched back down and noted a shiver working its way through the piper’s body.

“Jamie, what is it?” he asked, concern lacing his tone. “What’s wrong?”

The piper shook his head again and started to tremble. Worried, the Doctor placed his hands back onto Jamie’s shoulders and rubbed them in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Another minute of silence passed before Jamie spoke again.

“Doctor, ye’re wrong,” he whispered. “It…it’s nae gone. It’s still there.”

“What do you mean? What is still there, Jamie?”

Jamie shook even more which stilled the Doctor’s hands. He had never seen the Scot so frightened before and it was beginning to scare him.

“What I was turning into,” the piper answered. “The beast. It...it’s still there. Whenever I close my eyes, I can feel it pulling me in. Swallowing me into this great black hole. Even when I’m awake, it’s there, taunting me, putting its thoughts in my head. I try to shut it out, but I cannae get away from it. And it’s even worse when I try to sleep. I cannae explain it. I, I jes know that if I close my eyes for tae long, it will find me…and I’ll ne’er wake up again.”

Jamie shifted around to face him, his eyes wide with fear.

“Doctor, can ye nae do anything?” he pleaded. “Don’ let it take me. Help me, please.”

The Doctor responded by putting his hand on Jamie’s head and wrapping his other arm around him while drawing the piper close. Truthfully, he had half-expected this turn of events. He had seen other incidences where forced transmutation had resulted in lingering side effects, some of them almost identical to what Jamie was describing. It went a long way in explaining Jamie’s recent moodiness, listless demeanor, and inability to properly eat or sleep. Unfortunately, most of the people whose cases were as severe as Jamie’s never fully recovered from their affliction. Some descended into madness while others had taken their own lives in a desperate attempt to escape the darkness consuming them.

The Doctor grimaced as he tightened his hold. Only a few days ago, he watched helplessly while Jamie nearly bled to death right in front of him and it had almost shattered his hearts. Feeling Jamie quake in terror as he huddled against him rekindled his determination to shelter him from any lasting harm. It was then that he decided that he would do whatever was necessary to drive back this evil.

No matter how difficult or dangerous it might be.

“It’s all right, Jamie,” he murmured. “I had thought that this might happen, but don’t worry. I have a plan which should take care of the problem. However, I should warn you that it will not be easy or even remotely pleasant. Furthermore, there is a definite element of risk involved, and I will need you to trust me completely.”

He heard Jamie gulp as he pulled back from the protective embrace the Doctor had enveloped him in. The piper took several deep breaths before lifting his head to look the Doctor in the eye.

“I trust ye,” he said solemnly. “What do ye need me to do?”


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor and Jamie moved to a place near the center of the room where the ground was flat and soft with emerald grass and beds of moss. The two of them sat facing each other with the Doctor taking several calming breaths and encouraging Jamie to do the same.

“What I’m going to do is connect my mind to yours,” the Doctor explained. “Then, I can give a form to the shadow that is lurking in your consciousness.”

“But why would ye want to do that?” Jamie asked.

“Because you have to confront it, Jamie,” the Doctor replied. “The only way you can be free of this menace by defeating it within the confines of your mind.”

“Can ye nae jes erase it from my memories? Make me forget aboot it or something?”

“I might be able to. But then I would also risk erasing large portions of your memory or even altering your basic personality,” the Doctor said. “I simply can’t take that risk…and I doubt that you would really want me to anyway.”

“Prolly nae…but Doctor, I…I….”

“Jamie,” the Doctor said, putting his hands on the piper’s shoulders. “I would have given that option more consideration if I thought that there was no chance of you being able to handle this monstrous apparition on your own. However, I am quite confident that you can do just that. I believe in your strength, Jamie. And you should start believing in it too.”

“All right, Doctor,” Jamie said, nodding his head.

“Good,” the Doctor said, patting his shoulders. “Now, don’t forget, you won’t be alone during this. Even if you can’t always see or hear me, I’ll be right there with you.”

Jamie nodded again. He knew that he could place his trust in the Doctor’s word, but that was not enough to quell his feelings of dread or to shake the suspicion that there was something, something vital, that he was missing right now.

The Doctor scooted closer to him and carefully placed his hands onto either side of Jamie’s head, his index fingertips pressing onto the Scot’s temples.

“After I make the connection, I’m going to put us in a trance,” the Doctor said. “From there, your mind will probably conjure up an environment for you to interact with, so don’t be surprised if it seems like your surroundings have changed.”

“Right,” the piper said, his voice just a shade unsteady.

The Doctor gave him one last encouraging smile before closing his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing as he began to concentrate. Jamie started to close his eyes too, but stopped when he felt a wave of immense thought crash into his brain. Seconds after that, the features of the room melted and grew indistinct, a white light flooding the space around them. Jamie blinked several times as shapes continued to blur, fade and then shift into something else. Most distressing of all was the fact that the Doctor appeared to vanish, leaving only empty air in front of him. The piper leapt to his feet and whirled around in an attempt to make sense out of his increasingly distorted surroundings.

“Doctor!” he shouted. “Where are ye? What’s happening?”

“ _Jamie…Jamie, don’t be afraid. I’m still here.”_

Jamie blinked. It was definitely the Doctor’s voice, but it seemed to come from inside him. Then he felt a presence, vast, complex and mysterious, but also suffused with love and warmth. It was then that Jamie realized that what he was feeling was the Doctor’s mind and hearts connecting with his. He could still perceive himself as a separate being with his own thoughts and emotions, but now, he could also experience what the Doctor thought and felt at the same time. Jamie couldn’t deny that a part of him found it terrifying and intimidating, but he also basked in the joy and wonder of this sharing of existence.

Those heady feelings only last for a moment more before the rest of the world he now inhabited disappeared. Jamie reached out to grab hold of something substantial, but could not stop himself from falling into the white void that remained.

* * *

 

When Jamie blinked again, he suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a forest. The branches above him shut out most of the light of the sun while the foliage was a faded green, washed out by dark tints of grey. There were no sounds of life, no movement in the brush. What light did filter in between the leaves was an unearthly pallor.

Jamie took a couple steps forward and craned his neck from side to side. At first, he didn’t recognize this place. However, it wasn’t long before he realized that he had been here before. Only now, it was being filtered through the lens of malice and fear.

“’Tis the forest,” Jamie said in a whisper. “The forest Bior led us through before we changed.”

“Yes, I’m not surprised. Whatever is trying to draw you in would choose familiar ground to make its stand.”

Jamie whirled around and was shocked to see the Doctor standing behind him. The piper let out a sigh of relief.

“Doctor,” he said with a smile. “Thank goodness it’s ye.”

Jamie swiftly moved over to his side and reached out for him. He was horrified when his hand passed through the Doctor’s form.

“Doctor?” he said, a tremor in his voice.

“I’m here, Jamie,” the Doctor reassured him. “But only in a limited sense. Right now, we are in the lair that the beast has made in your mind. This is its imagining, Jamie. This is what it sees as its world, a world it wants to pull you into. Only you and it can exist here freely. I’m not sure if I have the strength to maintain this trance and become a part of this world. The best I can do is counsel you during this fight.”

“I, I understand,” Jamie gulped. “Jes…jes don’ leave. All right?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” the Doctor said with a sad smile.

Jamie was about to say something else when a roar in the distance startled both of them.

“Oh my word!”

“It’s here!” Jamie gasped. “The beast. It’s coming for me.”

The piper’s hand moved to the handle of his dirk as he backed up toward a nearby tree, eyes darting about as he scanned the area for his enemy. Another roar sounded, and Jamie shuddered at how much louder it was than the previous one. The noise did not seem to be coming from any one direction. It surrounded him in the same way the trees did. Then movement, heavy and black, flickered at the corner of Jamie’s eye. He turned to face it, his mouth falling open at the sight in front of him.

A large bear was bounding toward him. Its jet-black fur was so sleek, it glowed in the ambient light. Its eyes had a bright red light shining in them, its maw slack and dripping with saliva, teeth bared in a twisted grin. Its movements were fast, far more graceful than a real bear could ever be. Once it was within a few feet of Jamie, it stopped and raised itself up onto its hind legs.

“You,” it growled. “James Robert McCrimmon. You know what I am. What you are. What you must be. You took on my form. But then you tried to run from the path. Now, it is time to return. Return to me.”

“No!” Jamie insisted, pressing his back against the tree. “I’ll nae return. I’ll ne’er return to ye.”

“You must,” the creature snarled. “You cannot escape. We are the same. I am the battle cry, the scent of blood being spilled, the furious heat of struggle. These are the things that you are made of. Come back to who you are.”

“No,” Jamie repeated, unsheathing his dirk. “I’ll nae go back.”

The monster laughed and waved its clawed hands in a dismissive gesture.

“You cannot deny your nature,” it said. “Even now, you draw your weapon to fight me because it is what you know.  Yes, such a strong spirit is good. It will make us powerful. Come to me and let me make you powerful.”

The creature leaned toward him, slobber dripping down its chin in thick strands. Its hot breath stank of gore. Jamie shook with terror even as rage began to bubble up inside him. At that moment, he didn’t know if he wanted to flee or strike. Blackness crept into the edges of his vision, his breaths growing shorter and frantic. He looked down at his hands and let out a cry when he saw black fur beginning to sprout from under his skin.

“Yes,” the beast rumbled. “You are becoming who you are. Do not be afraid. You were not afraid before. Let my strength be yours. Give in to your battle spirit.”

Jamie tried to scream, but it came out as a sob. He wanted to run, but his limbs would not respond. His hands shook, making it difficult to hold onto his dirk.

“Jamie.”

It took a supreme effort to look away from the monstrosity less than a foot away from him, but Jamie managed to turn his gaze to the side to look into the Doctor’s eyes.

“This isn’t courage or a warrior’s spirit, Jamie,” he said gently. “This is fear. It’s using your fear and your anger to force you to change. Don’t give in to it.”

“I, I cannae,” Jamie cried. “It’s, it’s draggin’ me in.”

“Do not struggle,” the monster growled. “Let go of this pitiful existence and become what you are meant to be.”

“Jamie, don’t listen to it,” the Doctor said. “This, this fear, this rage, this is not who you are. You must remember who you really are. Remember and fight against this evil, Jamie.”

“Aye…Aye, I…must…I must…” Jamie said through gritted teeth. “I...must…fight….”

The piper clutched the dirk in his hand and with his remaining strength he swung it toward the creature’s face in a sweeping arc. The blow struck the side of its face causing it to roar again, the sound making everything shake with the reverberation. Scarlet blood oozed out of it mouth as it reached down and snatched Jamie up in its claws. The Scot wriggled desperately to get away, but could do no more than flail helplessly.

“Jamie!” the Doctor shouted. “Jamie, hold on!”

“Foolish weakling,” the creature snarled. “You think you understand. You think you understand the meaning of power or of strength. I shall show you the truth. The truth that already exists in your mind.”

The bear-like monster squeezed it claws around Jamie’s body, constricting his lungs and drilling sharp points of pain into his sides.

It only took a second for Jamie to pass out.

* * *

 

When he opened his eyes again, Jamie saw that he was lying on the ground and that he was no longer in the forest. Now the landscape was alien, scenery from one of the many worlds he had visited in his travels on the TARDIS.

He sat up and winced, the agony from the beast’s claws still fresh. He looked down at his torso and was surprised to see no puncture marks. Thankfully, he also saw no trace of the black fur that had covered his hands and arms. Slowly, he got back on his feet and studied his surroundings.

‘ _I know I’ve seen this place before,’_ he told himself. ‘ _But where is it? What happened here?’_

Smoke rose up from strange buildings, domes with misshapen spires and metal pathways to and from the buildings. The only other features Jamie could discern were rocky ground with a few cliffs and crags erupting from it and a forest in the distance that looked brittle and dead. Jamie rubbed his sides, relieved that the monster from before was nowhere in sight.

However, that relief soon turned to anxiety when he realized that the Doctor was missing as well.

“Doctor? Doctor, are ye still here?”

Jamie waited for a reply, but there was nothing, only silence. The piper shivered as he crept through the city.

‘ _He must still be here. He must. He would nae have left me,’_ Jamie thought. ‘ _Something must have happened, something that’s makin’ it so I cannae hear him.’_

_‘That monster, the beast…it must have brought me here. But why?’_

“I said I would show you the meaning of power. And now, you shall see it.”

Jamie flinched and spun on his heel to find the beast standing a few paces away. The piper braced himself to run, but soon realized that it was not moving any closer to him.

“Here, you saw power, you saw tireless might,” the creature growled. “And that might will destroy you if you refuse to surrender yourself to me. Come to me now and I shall give you power to conquer, to brush aside your enemies. You will have the power to….”

“...EXTERMINATE!”

Jamie turned away from the monster to see a pair of Daleks advancing on him with more of them gliding back and forth along the streets behind them.

‘ _Skarro! I’m on Skarro again. Back with those Dalek beasties….’_

“HUMAN PRESENCE DETECTED,” one of the Daleks shouted. “DO NOT LET IT ESCAPE. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

Jamie dashed away behind one of the buildings just in time to avoid the barrage of laser fire. Another bolt of blue light passed over his head, and he crouched closer to the ground. He knew that he would have to fight the Daleks somehow, but was at a loss as how he could do it. A tiny part of him wondered if it would be so bad to allow himself to transform and tap into that enormous power so he could stand up to them.

“Would you let these aliens smite you, James Robert McCrimmon?” the monster’s voice taunted from all around him. “Do you wish to become another speck of dust on their blighted world? Rise up and take hold of the power I can offer you. I shall give you the strength and we shall vanquish them.”

“No!” he shouted. “I’ll nae give in.”

Shards of rock rained down on the piper as the Daleks continued their barrage. Jamie pressed his hands over his ears to shut out their shouted commands and the beast’s laughter.

“EXTERMINATE!!!”

Jamie raised his head to see three Daleks standing in front of him with more gliding up behind. He briefly thought of running, but knew that it would be futile. Instead, he retrieved his dirk from its sheath where it had suddenly reappeared. Then he gripped the hilt with both hands and raised it over his head.

“Craeg au tuire!”

One of them trained its weapon at Jamie and fired. The Scot felt every cell in his body explode as his world went black again.

* * *

 

The next thing Jamie felt was cold metal.

He cracked his eyes open and saw that he was laying on an examination table in a frigid, grey room. Rows of monitors blinked and whirred with activity. Racks of instruments filled any empty spaces along the walls. Lights in the ceiling cast an icy, clinical brightness down on him, and he held up a hand to shield his eyes. He was surprised to see that he was no longer on Skarro.

But he was even more surprised to realize that he was still alive.

‘ _Cause this isn’t real,’_ he told himself. ‘ _None of it is. It’s jes a trick. That’s what the Doctor was tryin’ to warn me aboot.’_

“Is that what you believe? That this is all an illusion? And that I am not real?”

Jamie shook and looked up at a corner of the room to see the beast standing on its hind legs. The monster stared at him with mocking eyes.

“I am real,” it said with a wave of its paw, its claws glistening in the harsh light. “I am that part of you that you refuse to see. And all this is the reality you try to dismiss. Your journeys to other worlds should have been enough to show you the folly of rejecting strength for soft, weak, ideas.”

The beast advanced, its teeth bared in a grin, the fiery glow in its eyes intensifying.

“The mind is its own world, James Robert McCrimmon,” it said with a throaty chuckle. “It has a substance that is even purer than the matter outside of oneself. And I can control this world toward whatever end I choose. I can make you experience pain everlasting until you let go of your childish beliefs.”

The monster took a step back and settled down on its haunches.

“Where do you think strength lies?” it asked. “In the heart? You know that is not true.”

“Inna it?” the piper shrugged.

“No and you know why it is not,” it replied. “You know that there is no room for feeling in the midst of battle. That distraction slows the reflexes, dulls the senses, and makes one hesitate when he should not. I know you know enough of fighting to have experienced this yourself. The heart has no place within the theater of war.”

The thing twisted its neck toward a large door off to the side while still managing to keep its eyes locked on Jamie’s face.

“That is why I brought you here,” it continued.

“But I’ve ne’er seen this place before,” Jamie said.

“No, but you have met the ones who dwell here,” the monster said. “You have seen the strength they possess and the relentless purpose that guides them. They sweep aside the inferior and are not burdened by the emotions that are clouding your spirit. You have wondered about their home and culture. I have simply given a structure to those scattered wonderings. Now they shall demonstrate the force of purpose without passion. Of drive without pity.”

Suddenly, the door swung open with a heavy clang. Through it came several Cybermen, their empty eyes fixed on Jamie.

“You will be made into one of us,” one of them said as it pointed at the Scot. “You will be like us.”

Jamie scooted toward the edge of the table. He was about to lower his feet to the ground and try to run when a crackle of electricity arched through the air. The bolt made contact with Jamie’s chest, knocking onto his back. The piper grunted with pain as the Cybermen descended upon him with sharp, menacing instruments in their hands.

“We will remove your fear, your pain,” one of them droned. “You will be improved.”

“Power can only be met with power,” the beast said. “And I can give you the power to be strong instead of weak. I can give you the strength to make beings such as these your rivals rather than your predators.”

Cold blades sliced and thrust into Jamie’s limbs, cleanly cutting away flesh and warmth from his body. He screamed again with the Doctor’s name at the edge of every cry of agony. It would only be minutes before his humanity was stripped away. Blood pooled and thick black fur returned to cover the wounds.

“Yes, yes,” the beast said eagerly. “You shall go beyond what these creatures could do to you. Free yourself from this pain and join with me.”

Tears streamed from the piper’s eyes. His lips parted to form a reply, although Jamie was not sure if he would let out a defiant retort or finally give in to the thing’s demands. The words clawed into his throat and were almost released when a flash of clarity broke through the pain that was consuming him.

‘ _No…no….I can make it stop. I can make ye stop. I know…I know the truth.’_

_‘The truth…._

* * *

 

The pain and the noise stopped.

Jamie blinked. He raised his hand cautiously while he tried to make sense of where he was. The metal room, the Cybermen and the machines and instruments had all vanished. He had returned to the forest and was standing in front of the beast that was towering over him on its hind legs again.

“What do you think you know, pitiful child?” it snorted. Jamie smirked in response.

“Ye thought I would nae be able to figure it out, but I did,” he chortled. “Ye say that ye can put me through all that misery, but ye cannae. Nae forever like ye say.”

“And why not?”

“’Cause ye need me,” Jamie said, poking his own chest. “Ye need me to join wit’ ye so ye can be more than jes a bad dream stuck in my head. Ye need me to want to change in order to stay. That’s what ye did to Bior and those other men. Ye made them want to be like ye and that’s how ye took them over. That’s why ye’re tryin’ to make me afraid. So I’ll want ye to take over.”

The piper crossed his arms over his chest, his smirk widening.

“But it won’ work,” he continued. “I could have been like them, but the Doctor showed me the truth, the real truth, aboot strength and power. It’s nae aboot how much power ye have or how many enemies ye defeat. It’s aboot why ye wield that power and how many people ye protect and save wit’ yer strength. I’m nae like those men from the village. I’ll ne’er join ye.”

“You insolent fool,” the beast growled. “You think you are not like them? Do you think this Doctor sees you as his equal? Is he what you aspire to be? Do you truly believe that is possible?”

“I could ne’er be him,” Jamie said quietly. “He is more than I could ever be. But that does nae mean I should nae try to be like him.”

“And that is your mistake,” the monster snarled. “You try to model himself after him even though he is an alien wholly unlike anything in your limited experience. You allow yourself to believe the comforting lie that he cannot see the essence of who you are.”

“Of who were from the first moment you met him.”

* * *

 

Gunfire and yelling erupted around him, and Jamie gasped as he realized that his surroundings had suddenly changed again. It only took him seconds to recognize it as Culloden Moor on the day the Jacobite rebellions were crushed by merciless English soldiers. At his feet, his pipes lay shattered and splintered on the ground while his hands were dripping with blood. All around him, Redcoats shot down waves of Highlanders, but no one seemed to notice Jamie standing there.

“Tell me,” the beast said as it approached him from the side. “How many men did you kill that day? I know that you still remember. Does this Doctor know how much blood you have spilled? Does he know how eager you were to do it? You, who are so young, who has insinuated yourself into the Doctor’s company, does he know of the scarlet marks that had long since stolen your innocence? How do you think he would respond once he learns of what dwells in your blackened heart?”

Shouted oaths and battle cries rang out, and Jamie’s heart pounded and constricted as he relived the deaths of the members of his clan. The beast stood upright and spread its giant front paws out to the sides.

“I know that he is here,” it said. “I can sense his presence in your mind. He had enabled you to see me. And in doing so, he now can see all of this. He sees your memories, your fury as you tried to strike down the English in the name of your cause. He can see the moment when all that you were born and bred to be came to fruition. He can see what you are…and what you will always be.”

Tears flooded Jamie’s eyes as the beast’s words sunk in. He had never told the Doctor about his experiences at Culloden. Part of it was because the memories were still too raw and painful to reopen. However, equally important was the fact that he did not want the Doctor to ever see this side of him. But now it was laid bare and Jamie could no longer hide it from the Doctor.

‘ _The Doctor is a good man. He would nae have been involved in this. He…he would nae have done what I did.’_

Another scream faded into a gurgle of death as the tears finally slid down his cheeks. These memories were terrible. As was the inevitable rejection Jamie knew would be coming.

A hand gently clasped Jamie’s shoulder from behind. The piper gasped and whirled around to see the Doctor standing in front of him. He immediately turned his gaze back toward the ground.

“Jamie….” the Doctor murmured.

“’Tis all right,” Jamie said, averting his gaze even more. “I know what ye think of this. Of me. Ye don’ have to say anythin’. I jes, I….”

The Doctor reached down and lifted one of Jamie’s hands with both of his. Drops of blood still dribbled between the piper’s fingers, but the Doctor did not seem to notice. Instead, he rubbed Jamie’s hand which was cupped in his palms.

“Jamie, listen to me,” the Doctor said. “As terrible as all of this is, and as much as I wish you had not had to endure such a traumatic experience, this does not change who you are or what I think of you.”

“But Doctor, I…I….”

“You were fighting a war for what you believed was right,” the Doctor said. “You were defending your home and your people. However you may have felt during the battle, the fact that you still make yourself carry this burden says more about the type of man you are than the actions you were forced to take.”

The Doctor looked down at his hands. Jamie did the same and was startled to see red staining the Doctor’s hands as well.

“You see,” the Doctor muttered, bowing his head. “We’re not so different after all. Only the scale of our actions varies.”

Jamie reached up with his other hand and grasped the Doctor’s shoulder, causing the Time Lord to look up at him. There was a moment of silent communication between them before the Doctor nodded and both of them turned back toward the beast.

“You may as well give up, you know,” the Doctor scoffed. “Your tricks won’t work on Jamie.”

“Only because you interfered with my plan,” the beast snarled.

“No,” the Doctor said, shaking his head with a smile. “It wasn’t me. All I did was give him the chance to see you for what you really are. Jamie did the rest of it on his own. That’s why you brought him here. Because you already knew that you had lost. You just wanted to make him suffer some more.”

“I will have power,” the creature roared. “And if I cannot take it from this human, then I will feast upon the energy in your mind.”

The monster lunged toward them, swatting Jamie to the side. Then it pounced upon the Doctor and dug its claws into his shoulder. The Doctor cried out as he desperately tried to squirm away.

“No escape,” the thing growled. “No escape for you. You have used too much of your strength to maintain this trance and intervene for this human. Now, you have nothing left. But I shall absorb all that you are and transcend this place.”

The Doctor moaned and tried again to move away, but was trapped under the monster’s claws. The beast sat up and delivered a glancing blow to the side of the Doctor’s head, stunning and silencing him. It stood back up on its hind legs and traced a circle in the air with its front paws. Soon, an ink-black orb appeared. The beast guided it toward the Doctor’s prone body, and the orb grew and widened into a hole in the space around them.

“Yes, such power,” the beast purred. “So much more than what exists in these humans. I shall possess it.”

The monster waved a paw. As he did, an invisible force pulled at the Doctor’s body, dragging him toward the void.

“No!” Jamie yelled. “Ye’ll nae take him!”

The piper grabbed his knife again and rushed at the beast. He slashed at the thing’s shoulder, but was simply tossed aside again for his troubles. He landed hard on the ground, every tissue in his body aching in response.

“Foolish boy, you cannot stop me,” the beast laughed. “Soon, I will have the strength I need to break free of this ethereal form. And then I shall wipe you out of existence James Robert McCrimmon.”

Jamie pulled himself to his feet again. The Doctor was still only semiconscious and was still being dragged toward the blackness. The Scot was determined to save him, but could not see how to stop what was happening.

‘ _I cannae  fight it. ‘Tis strong. Tae strong for me. I cannae fight….’_

_‘No…no, I cannae fight. That’s right. That’s nae the way.’_

_‘Only one way now.’_

Jamie threw down his dirk and dashed over to the Doctor’s still form. Then he placed himself between the void and the Doctor while stretching out his arms to either side.

“Ye’ll nae have him,” Jamie declared. “Ye can take me instead, but ye’ll nae have him.”

“No!” the beast roared. “Get out of the way, puny human!”

“No,” Jamie replied, his voice firm. “Ye’ll have to kill me first. Or take me instead. But ye’ll nae have him.”

The monster roared again and raised his claws. Jamie closed his eyes. He knew that this was the end, but his mind and heart were clear. All that was left for him to do was to brace his body for the killing blow that he knew was coming.

However, the blow never came.

More roars filled the air, and Jamie opened his eyes to see what was happening. The black void was gone, and the beast was writhing about as if in pain. The surroundings grew distorted again as Jamie dropped to his knees.

“Doctor,” he said, grabbing the Time Lord’s arm and shaking it. “Doctor, wake up. Somethin’ is wrong. Doctor!”

Everything wavered, lines no longer defining the shapes around them. Not knowing what else to do, Jamie covered the Doctor’s body with his own. He squeezed his eyes shut when a rush of nausea overcame him.

Then there was a moment of silence. Jamie did not know where he was, but he suspected that he had moved closer to the Doctor’s mind again. His thoughts sped faster than they ever had. Ideas, visions, equations, all flowed through his mind, floating on a river of moments in time. All throughout this was the wonder and honest love of a child. Jamie knew that he could not take it in. Instead, he let himself drift away and lose himself in the torrent.

* * *

 

An unknowable amount of time passed before Jamie finally came out of it.

The piper groaned and put a hand to his head as he slowly sat up. He blinked several times while his mind took in the sights in front of him. It took almost a full minute for him to realize that he was truly awake and back on the TARDIS. He rubbed his face with his hands and soon discovered that something else had changed.

‘ _The beast…’tis gone. I cannae feel it anymore.’_

“Doctor,” Jamie said joyfully. “Ye did it. Ye….”

The piper’s heart froze when he saw the Doctor lying still on the ground, his features slack, his eyes open in silts with no spark of life.

Jamie swallowed hard as he scooted over and placed his hands onto the Doctor’s chest. He searched for breathing or a heartbeat on either side, but could find nothing.

“Doctor,” he breathed. “No…no…it cannae be…It was nae supposed to be like this.”

Gasping around the lump in his throat, he lifted the Doctor’s shoulders off the ground and cradled him against him. He remembered what the beast had said about the Doctor using his strength to keep up the trance they were in and those words haunted him now.

“Nae for me,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “Ye cannae…nae for me….”

Jamie sniffed as his vision became clouded with tears. Thus, he didn’t notice it when the Doctor suddenly blinked. This was followed by a soft moan that made Jamie’s heart leap for joy.

“Doctor!” he said, brushing his face with the side of his hand. “Ye’re all right.”

The Doctor groaned again while raising a hand to his head. He started to sit up with Jamie gently helping him along.

“Oh, oh my,” he said.

“Doctor, what happened?” Jamie asked. “I, I thought ye were….”

“No, I’m perfectly all right, Jamie,” the Doctor interrupted. “Perfectly all right. I just had a difficult time coming out of that trance after being in it for so long. Plus, that wretched beast and its vortex didn’t do me much good either.”

“But what happened to it?” Jamie persisted. “One moment it was standing there, big as life, the next it’s gone like it was ne’er here. Did ye get rid of it?”

“No, no I don’t think so,” the Doctor said, curious. “Jamie, it must have been something you did.”

“But I dinna do anythin’.”

“You must have,” the Doctor said. “Here, let me check.”

The Doctor reached over and put his palm on the piper’s forehead. By now, Jamie had become accustomed to the Doctor’s presence in his thoughts and no longer felt any apprehension at the touch.

“Of course,” the Doctor said, removing his hand. “That must be it.”

“What is?”

“Jamie, the reason you were able to defeat the beast was the same reason you were able to stand up to the Daleks, the Cybermen and to recover from Culloden. It was your humanity. You may have been trained to fight, but in the end, it was your heart and your compassion that gave you the edge. When you chose to sacrifice yourself for me, it flooded the beast with a wave of emotions and thoughts that it could not handle. It was too steeped in the darker sides of human existence to endure it.”

The Doctor smiled and patted Jamie’s arm.

“I want you to remember this, Jamie,” he said. “Remember that you are far more than the world you grew up in or the things in your past. Remember that your heart and spirit define who you are.”

“Aye,” Jamie nodded. “Doctor, I….”

“Yes, what is it?”

“All those things I saw, when ye were in my mind,” Jamie said. “Is, is that how ye see us and the worlds we go to?”

“Well, what you experienced was probably a random sample of how I perceive things,” the Doctor said thoughtfully. “But in a way, it was. And I was able to see it all through your eyes too, Jamie.”

Jamie nodded again. Even though neither of them said it aloud, both of them were aware of the greater meaning behind their words. They had both peered into each other’s minds and hearts, both of them the same and different at once. It was something that could not be described with mere words.

The piper’s head drooped and he laid down onto the grass. The Doctor laid down beside him. The two of them stared at the artificial sky the TARDIS created above them and enjoyed the company in silence. It wasn’t long before Jamie felt his eyelids drift shut. Soon afterward, he felt fabric being draped over him and realized that it was the Doctor’s jacket.

“Rest now, Jamie,” a gentle voice whispered. “Rest and be free.”

Jamie gave a tiny nod as he let his entire body relax. The last sound he heard was that of the Doctor lying back down on the grass.

Content and secure, Jamie allowed sleep to overtake him.


End file.
